Why being "fat" is OK with me

Those of you who are reading this probably know me well enough to know that I LOVE FOOD. I love the joy it brings. I love sharing good times with friends and family, which usually involves copious amounts of food and alcohol. You probably also know that I've struggled with my self-worth for many years because of my weight.

Now, before you get your defenses up or start screaming because I'm using the "F" word, keep calm and hold on a minute. The entire point of this blog is to get something off my mind that has been weighing me down for a while. You don't like what I have to say, you can leave right now :)

According to all the medical charts, I'm currently fat - overweight, but not quite obese. Yet I really don't feel fat. That is, until I look back at how skinny I once made myself. Even at my lowest weight of 145, I was still right on the borderline of being overweight for my height (5'7"). Read on and see how good I looked at that weight and you tell me if that is what an "unhealthy" person looks like. I think an adjustment in those BMI charts is way overdue. I don't think you can determine someone's health simply by a number on a scale. Anyway, on to my weight loss story and why I'm done with it all.

This is me in December 2002, at my heaviest weight of 240 pounds and a size 22

I've tried Weight Watchers a couple of times in my adult life, with varying degrees of "success". The first time I tried WW, I started out as a size 22 and about 240 pounds. I simply modified my food intake, no exercise at all. I managed to lose a lot of weight. I think I went down to a size 14/16, but can't remember exactly because it's been so long. I still have a pair of those size 22 pants gathering dust in my closet, simply as a reminder of where I was and where I never wanted to be again.

When I met my (future) husband in 2005, I had lost some weight (again) and felt pretty damn good about myself; finally reaching a size 12. When we were married in 2007, I was back to a size 14/16.

January 2007

Then I got pregnant that fall and boy, did I go nuts with food - I ate anything and everything! I lovingly look back on that time and say I was on a "see food" diet: I see food, I eat it. When I went in for my c-section, I must've been well over 210 pounds. But frankly, I didn't care about that - all I wanted was a healthy baby boy.

I'm about ready to pop here! Spring 2008

Well, later in 2008 after I'd had my son, I decided I needed to finally do something about my weight, again. I started out modifying my diet, depriving myself of the things I loved in an attempt to eat "healthy". My weight loss plateaued after about 6 months and I was stuck around 170-180. So I added the one thing I'd been avoiding - exercise. Yuck. I didn't like exercising at first, hell, I pretty much hated it, but it eventually became less of a chore and more of a challenge. I even started to understand how people could get addicted to working out.

After a few more months of diet and exercise, I lost a total of 80 pounds and went down to 145/150 pounds and a size 6. 

Christmas 2009

I loved the way I looked and felt about my body, I LOVED going shopping for clothes; however, I didn't love constantly feeling hungry or like I had to deprive myself of certain foods. When I say "constantly" feeling hungry - I mean that quite literally. I never got that "full" satisfied feeling most people get after eating. I was merely eating to survive and stave off that next pang of hunger.

If I did "indulge" in something I really wanted, the portion size was so unsatisfying, I had to wonder why I bothered in the first place. On top of that, the scale would always go up afterwards, making me feel even more guilty about my indulgence.

Through it all, I kept telling myself "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels". What a load of crap!

The major downside to all this was that my blood pressure was too low and I was frequently getting dizzy and light-headed when standing up or even making a sudden movement. Plus, I was constantly COLD - I could not keep my hands or feet warm in the winter.

I went to my doctor to find out what was wrong with me and you know what she said? Add more salt to your diet. Wait, what? Really? Surely that goes against all common medical wisdom. Well, I did what she said because honestly, I love salty food as much as I love sweets, so I figured what the hell...she obviously went to medical school and knows what she's talking about, right?

Well, that didn't fix my blood pressure issue. It also didn't help with my struggle on the scale because I was retaining all that water I was drinking.

I realized that I couldn't maintain this weight and call it healthy. So I started eating a burger and fries once in a while, enjoying a nice steak now and then, having a bowl of ice cream when I wanted it. I still tried to keep my portions reasonable, eating foods that had lots of fiber and drinking my 2 liters of water each day - you know, all the things most diets proclaim you need to do to be successful at weight loss.

Slowly my weight started going up again. Especially after I reduced the amount of exercise I was doing. However, as I started loosening up on my dietary restrictions, my dizziness subsided and I wasn't in a constant state of hunger. I felt better about myself.

Wow. It seemed so strange to me that eating sensibly was better than being so restrictive.

So here I am now, back to a size 12/14 and you know what I've finally come to realize? I can't keep fighting against my body's signals and my basic needs. I tossed my scale into the trash back in July so I really have no idea what my weight is today and frankly, I don't care anymore. I'm tired of being a slave to a number on a scale. That number doesn't define me. It doesn't measure my self-worth or who I am as a person. Ok well, it does define me when I have to go shopping for clothes, but that's not so bad.

Do I still have a few pairs of size 6 and size 8 jeans hiding in my closet, secretly hoping that one I day I will magically fit into them again? Yeah, of course. Do I think that is a realistic (or reasonable) goal for me? Not really, no, but I just can't bring myself to get rid of that physical reminder.

Come to think of it, I probably eat healthier now than I ever did while I was dieting. I eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full - which for me, takes my brain longer than the average 20 minutes to register. I stay away from really crappy foods or anything I don't absolutely enjoy. I'll even occasionally go for a long jog/walk with my dogs if my ankle isn't tweaked out (recurring injury from weak ankles I guess). I'd probably hop on the treadmill once in a while if I had kept it, but I sold that about the same time I dumped the scale. Coincidence or just good sense?

What I'm trying to say is that we all need to stop valuing ourselves based on what society says we should look like. We need to be happy with our intrinsic nature, who we are as a person and what we do for those around us.

Of course I have many days where I want to be that skinny girl again. I have a lot of days where I wish my love-handles weren't so abundant. I don't always feel good about my body or how it looks, but I'm slowly getting there - knowing that I'm trying to eat right and do what is best for me.

And after reading this article, http://www.fatnutritionist.com/index.php/why-diets-dont-work/ , I think I'm not too far off the mark about my current realization.

I think I'm just going to refer to my current size as a "happy medium" and leave it at that.

November 2013, "fat" and OK with that!